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In John Milton’s Fall of Man dramedy Paradise Lost, Satan muses on his exile from heaven:
The mind is its own place, and in it self
Can make a Heav’n of Hell, a Hell of Heav’n.
What matter where, if I be still the same,
And what I should be, all but less then he
Whom Thunder hath made greater?
In short, he’s had a shocker, but he’s trying to look on the bright side. Getting chucked out of heaven is a profound bummer. This isn’t getting frozen out by Matt from sales because you didn’t invite him to your Great British Bake Off-themed fortieth; this is God asking you to leave His kingdom, and by all accounts He’s not a Huge One for self-doubt. There is no verse saying, ‘And lo, God felt that, on second thoughts, He’d been a bit hasty, so He said, "Adam, mate, at the end of the day it’s just a bit of fruit. It’s no biggie. I felt a bit mugged off by your missus, I’d been working a six-day week, I’m a little bit tired and emotional, we’re all new to this game, come back to the garden and we can thrash it out over a couple of tins"'.
A non-diegetic intrusion. A voice. Female.
‘Every story has to start somewhere.’
Fair enough. No argument with that. It’s a bloody reasonable thing to say. In fact, throughout what follows, the film’s sustained, masterful use of first-person narration obviates the need for potentially protracted scenes in which important character motivation might be revealed visually. Instead the narrator, Old Donna – or, as she’s credited, ‘Donna’ (Gwyneth Paltrow) – simply tells us what subtext, if any, is not revealed by cutaways of signs and newspapers, expository flashbacks and the cast’s often varied facial expressions. If something about a character’s motivation or a particular incident is unclear, don’t worry; Old Donna will explain what’s going on. This is brutally direct filmmaking. And I welcome it.*
* If Orson Welles had had this gift, Citizen Kane might still be remembered today. He could have clarified that weird ending with a simple line of VO, saying something like: 'And that’s when I, Citizen Kane, realised how much I loved sleds'..
If you want to succeed, the film bravely asserts, put on a short skirt and go into the service industry! It won’t be long before you’re picked out for even greater things, like higher-paid work within the service industry! Because if you’re hot, you’ll reach the top! And if you’re a little heavy or have a squinty eye, maybe you can work behind the scenes, where you won’t spook anyone.
Please also make sure your seat is back and that the folding trays are in their full upright position. Because it’s not the crash that’ll kill you, it’s the trays.
If you haven’t already done so, please stow your carry-on luggage, whether emotional or actual, underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. And please do stow it. Don’t just bung it in, or stuff it in, or ram it in. Stow it, like you’d stow something in your own home, or in an Edwardian novel.
It wasn’t until I was in my late teens that I realised I didn’t have to wear the exact things my mother told me to. Finally, I could stop dressing like a cabin boy. I opted for a look which said, ‘Youth is wasted on me!’ – baggy corduroy, tucked-in checked shirts and tweed jackets. I looked like my own supply teacher.