cytaty z książki "Recovered"
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[...]
-Some souls were never meant to be saved. They might end up on the right path, but without fail, they will veer off. It’s all they know how to do. No matter how badly they might be hurting other people, they still lose their way. Honestly, the hurt they cause will never compare to how much hurt they inflict upon themselves.
[...]
Wydawało się, że jest milion mil stąd. Nigdy nie spędziłam tyle czasu w pobliżu kogoś, kto wydawał się tak poza zasięgiem. To było wytrącające z równowagi i przyłapałam się na tym, że próbuję wypełnić rosnącą przepaść, która między nami się szeroko rozwarła.
[...]
the memories from that night tore me apart and shredded what was left of my soul, all I wanted to do was lean on her. She always seemed so strong, so stable, and unshakable. She was the opposite of adrift, and I wondered if I got a hold of her if she would be able to keep me from sinking. But then, she told me that it was impossible for her not to worry about me and all I could see was me dragging her down, pulling her under. It’s what I did. The thought of all that icy, white-blonde hair and those fantastic eyes going blank as she sank with me to the bottom of the ocean of despair and disappointment was enough to have me acting like even more of an asshole than I already was.
[...]
-“Talking about it won’t change what happened, but it might change how you feel about what happened. You don’t have to shoulder all of that guilt and regret alone, and if you keep trying to, you’re going to end up right back where you were.”
-What if I don’t want to change how I feel about that night? What if I know I deserve every sleepless night and every single minute it haunts me when I’m awake?
-“You’re going to have to learn how to deal with those feelings because you are going to have them for the rest of your life, Cable. You can focus on what you can do now, on the ways you can do better and be better, or you can stay caught up in what was done. That’s never going to change but you can. The choice is ultimately yours".
[...]
I was so used to people constantly trying to be something. Trying to be popular. Trying to be liked. Trying to be badass. Trying to be a family. Affton didn’t bother to be anything she wasn’t. She was unapologetically who she was and who she was just happened to be an incredibly attractive, competent, and considerate girl. I was sure a lot of that came from having to take care of herself after her mom went sideways, but it was remarkable how capable she was. It was a daily struggle to present myself as something close to a normal human. And here I was, all kinds of twisted up and confused over a chick who made life, and all its ups and downs, her bitch.
[...]
She didn’t say anything about that kiss, and I couldn’t decide if I was grateful or irritated. One thing was for sure, nothing was going to be the same going forward. Everyone else had been a distraction, but Affton Reed, she was a destination. She was the place I wanted to go and maybe, just maybe, she was the place where I wanted to stay. She was the place I was going to have to work my ass off to reach.
[...]
I wanted to earn the right to have my hands and mouth on whatever part of her I wanted, because there was no way, now that I had had a taste, that I could ever walk away without savoring the entire thing.
[...]
“There’s the kind of broken everyone can see. The kind that leaves a mess no one wants to get stuck cleaning up because it’s obviously going to be a lot of work. And, even if you try to get it all, you’re going to miss some of those sharp, jagged pieces. Then there’s the kind of broken no one can see. The kind that’s made up of hairline fractures and narrow little fissures that cover the entire surface. It’s the kind of broken that’s held together by some kind of miracle and pure strength of will. All it takes is one little bump, one wrong move, and that kind of broken shatters. There is no cleaning up that mess. There are too many pieces, and they scatter everywhere.” She lifted her chin at me and narrowed her eyes across the room where Affton was talking to some guy who had wandered in off the beach a couple hours ago. “Do not be the guy who breaks her, McCaffrey. If you do, there is no coming back from that. There is no forgiveness and no second chance".
[...]
Za cholerę nie było mowy, żebym schrzanił i wrócił do więzienia, nie teraz, kiedy wiedziałem, że mogę mieć takie dni jak ten. Dni, kiedy nie tonąłem. Dni, w których nie odpłynąłem. Affton była czymś więcej niż kotwicą. Była grawitacją. Trzymała mnie w miejscu. Trudno było żyć przeszłością, kiedy mocno przywiązała mnie do teraźniejszości.
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Z własnego doświadczenia wiedziałam, że uzależnienie nie rozróżnia. Uzależnienia nie obchodziła powierzchnia domu ani rodzaj samochodu, którym jeździsz. Nie obchodził go twój rodowód ani średnia ocen. Uzależnienie rujnowało życie i wyrównywało szanse i byłam przekonana, że Cable był nim głęboko dotknięty. Nienawidziłam go i nienawidziłam tego, jak beztrosko odrzucał swoje idealne życie. Nie powinno mnie to obchodzić. . . a jednak obchodziło.
[...]
Nienawidziłem siebie. Nienawidziłem siebie bardziej niż ktokolwiek inny. Nie zawracałem sobie głowy ukrywaniem tego tak, jak robili to wszyscy inni. . . wszyscy oprócz Affton.
[...]
If you think about it, love and hate really aren’t that much different when you got right down to it. Both make you crazy. Both make you do things you never thought you would ever do, and both were so, so easy to get lost in.