A little boy was an only child living in Killarney. He sent a letter to Santa saying: 'Dear Santa, please send me a brother or sister.'.
He got a letter back from Santa which read: 'Please send me your mother.

A new Irish proverb heard on RTE Radio: KNOWLEDGE IS KNOWING THAT A TOMATO IS A FRUIT. WISDOM IS NOT PUTTING A TOMATO IN A FRUIT SALAD.

Notice in a hotel bedroom in Cahir:
IF YOU SMOKE IN BED PLEASE LEAVE US AN ADDRESS TO WHICH WE CAN SEND THE ASHES.

Sign seen in a pub in Carrick-on-Suir: JUST BECAUSE YOUR DOCTOR SAYS YOU NEED GLASSES, THERE'S NO NEED TO TAKE OURS.

Sign seen in a shop in Derry: UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL BE SOLD INTO SLAVERY

A Dubliner, a Kerryman and a Cavan man go into a strip club. They like the girl stripping so much that the Dubliner puts a 10 euro note on one of her butt cheeks. The Kerryman, not to be outdone, puts a 20 euro note on her other butt cheek. The Cavan man takes out his credit card and withdraws 30 euro with a quick swipe.

A huge Ryanair advertising hoarding read: BREAKFAST IN DUBLIN - LUNCH IN NEW YORK.
Underneath a wag had scribbled:
LUGGAGE IN HONG KONG

This fellow from Bantry didn't have a single hair on his head. But he had a tatoo on the top which read: I'M NOT BALD. THIS IS SOLAR PANEL FOR A SEX MACHINE.

Notice seen on an old folks' home in Longford: OPEN DAY ON SUNDAY NEXT. DRESS FORMAL. TEETH WILL BE WORN.

A nun was conducting a religious class on Dublin's northside. "Now boys", she said, "if any of you found a 50 euro note on the street, would you keep it?".
"No sister", said the class in union.
"Very good", she said, "what would you do with it?"
"Spend it, sister", said the class at once.