Chciałabym być rozwydrzonym i niepokornym nastoletnim chłopakiem, takim kurwesko pewnym swojego miejsca na świecie.

Zdarza się, że kogoś traktujemy źle, ale to nas z kolei przygotowuje do tego, by później traktować kogoś dobrze.

I always worried someone would notice me, and then when no one did, I felt lonely.

The interest I felt in certain guys then confused me, because it wasn't romantic, but I wasn't sure what else it might be. But now I know: I wanted to take up people's time making jokes, to tease the dean in front of the entire school, to call him by a nickname. What I wanted was to be a cocky high-school boy, so fucking sure of my place in the world.

But I was living my life sideway. I did not act on what I wanted, I did not say the things I thought, and being so stifled and clamped all the time left me exhausted; no matter what I was doing, I was always imagining something else.

I actually liked the disolation of winter; it was the season when it was okay to be unhappy. If I were to ever kill myself, I thought it would be in the summer.